Confessions of a Slush Monkey

by staff

Like most magazines, Reflection’s Edge employs a pre-reader - more commonly known as a “slush” reader - who decides on the good, the bad, and the ugly, and generally what the editor should spend her time on. This often horrifies submitters, but ultimately it’s a great help to them, cutting down the pile of submissions so the editor can focus on the next issue’s real potential stories. They’re also a boon to oversensitive editors who might otherwise agonize over even the least publishable stories, or who tend to micromanage. Without slush readers, most publications simply couldn’t function.

Slush readers have to make solid decisions quickly - and this slush reader (or slush monkey, as this slushie prefers) has learned a lot about sizing up a story fast. The easiest thing would be to say "Monkey likes good stories," but that would be neither helpful nor insightful, and altogether too flippant (even if ultimately true). So, below is a detailed list of what works and what doesn’t - at least for this particular slush monkey. Keep in mind, the following is just one monkey's opinion - and thankfully, there are a lot of monkeys out there.

Deal-breakers

Boring beginnings. Monkey's not a stickler for action or hooks (in fact, monkey somewhat dislikes hooks - more later), but give it something. An interesting protagonist, a nice image, a pithy turn of phrase. Monkey wants to keep reading – help it along. Don't drown it in unnecessary and skull-gnawingly boring exposition.

Hooks. By that, I mean painfully obvious ones. A common scenario: a writer goes to a workshop and learns to “ always start with the hook”. This same writer starts the next story with "As Jennifer hung off the fuselage of a speeding jet, she wondered if the werewolves found the Magik Crystal of the Elder yet." The monkey reads it and wants to burn things. A hook should be neither contrived nor obvious; moreover, monkeys don't like feeling manipulated, and they usually notice when they are.

Clichés. "But my story of travel through time to kill Hitler is different!" No, it's not. Trust me.

Stories that have a great buildup and then just fizzle out. Or end with a whimper, leaving the monkey scratching its head. Climax! Resolution!

Poor punctuation, spelling, and grammar. If you’re not sure about the fundamentals, check out any of the books or online resources on our recommended list. Or go to your local campus and find a graduate student; buy him lunch and have him go over your work. Grad students are cheap, desperate, and perpetually hungry. Think of it as literary charity. Because while monkey could edit your story, it won't. It's a slush monkey, not an editing monkey.

Writer stories. You can do better. That goes double for writer’s block stories. Yes, writer's block is lousy, and yes, writing can be a form of therapy - but therapy is private. Save it for your journal.

"And then he woke up." You just negated the entire experience of reading your story. It makes monkey sad.

Inconsistent tone. Found most often in erotica stories, where the narration might go from romantic to pornographic without a moment's notice, but dangerous anywhere.

Protagonists who whine a lot and/or wish fulfillment, especially male protagonists who cannot get a girlfriend, give a stink-eye to anyone who's marginally more successful, yet manage to save the world in the end. "They'll be sorry when I'm dead" fantasies are also not welcome.

Preachiness. If monkey wanted to be preached at, it would call a professional.

Minor Turn-offs

Stating the obvious/redundancy. "Her eyes filled with tears and she cried. She was sad. Her sadness dripped down her cheeks in sad rivulets. She couldn't remember the last time she was so sad." Sure, it’s fixable, but it’s also irritating.

Unnecessary flashbacks. Don't flash back to ten minutes ago, even if it seems dramatic to you. Trust us - we’re paying attention.

Unlikable protagonists. Sometimes they are done well, but not as frequently as they are attempted.

“Ethnic” clichés. Cultures not your own can be written well if you bother to do some research (or happen to have first-hand knowledge). But throwing a wise Native American shaman in every time you need someone to dispense vaguely phrased but holy wisdom degrades both of us.

Tolkien elves, Anne Rice vampires, other pre-fab monsters. While there are markets for these, this monkey (and RE in general) looks for original first.

Child protagonists. Some are okay; most are entirely too saccharine and cute. If you can write about a kid who's not adorable at all times, I'll read it. Otherwise, don't bother.

Fuzzy animals. Same as above.

First-person stories where the protagonist dies. If you have a graceful way of pulling it off, send it. But chances are, you don't.

Bad bios. Yes, not everyone is published. That's cool. You still can write an interesting bio. You may be proud of being a wife and mother of four, but if your bio says nothing else, we've come to expect a weak story.

Things Monkey Likes

Fluid prose. Read it out loud. If it sings, I want to see it. If it sort of thuds and clanks, I don't.

Point. If you have it, it is good.

Plot. It’s not essential, but it is nice if it's present; it's like a peg to hang your fluid prose upon. Even better if it strives for something more elaborate than "Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy finds girl again and then they get married and have a baby!"

Good dialogue. Monkey's such a sucker for it. Read it out loud, preferably with someone else within earshot. If they don't throttle you, send it in. If they do, you probably deserved it.

This slush monkey hopes that the above was helpful. If you want your next submission answered by the monkey, state so in your cover. Please keep in mind that RE’s editor usually handles rejections for a reason – she is much more civilized than the monkey (in retrospect, it doesn't sound as much of a compliment as intended). But if you want some specific advice about what didn't work, RE’s monkey will be happy to oblige. Just don't go crying to the editor if monkey hurts your feelings. Remember: it's just a monkey.

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©Slush Monkey

RE's slush monkey lives in the vast tropical jungles of the secret RE island, where it eats bananas and smaller monkeys.